I’m all set to pre-order an Apple Watch Sport at 12:01 AM PDT on April 10. I’m going with space gray, black band. (IMHO, the other Sport bands are kinda ghastly, especially the Lime-Green-Slurpee and Salmon Tartare straps.)
I’m also worrying, as I’m wont to do, about the possible ramifications of my purchase—for me as well as for Western Civilization as we know it.
Here are my top three Apple Watch worries.
1. I’ll get another wrist rash. My left wrist is slowly recuperating from a rash I unexpectedly developed after three months of wearing the Fitbit Surge activity tracking watch. The Surge wristband is made of “flexible, durable elastomer material.” The Apple Watch Sport band is made of “custom high-performance fluoroelastomer.” Two highfalutin phrases for rubber, in other words.
2. I’ll get mugged. I’m walking down the street and check my watch. A criminal notices. He thinks: “Dude has an Apple Watch. Which means he’s got a recent iPhone too. Twofer!”
3. Civilization is doomed. During the boring part of a movie, will there be dozens of little squares lighting up as restless viewers check their watches? Count on it.
Will my wrist illuminate and buzz annoyingly while I’m having dinner with friends? Yep. This already happened when I was testing the Garmin vivosmart.
Will our streets be congested with dawdling pedestrians talking loudly into their wrists? You’ve got that right, at least in San Francisco, where 3,621 entitled pedestrians are born every minute. In fact, my hand is already on my car horn, ready to honk—a gentle reminder for pedestrians to please cross the street safely. And quickly.
Come to think of it, here’s an even bigger fear of mine: If I’m not careful, one of those watch-looking pedestrians getting horn-blasted will be me.